I need to vent..

Some of you might already know that I have been taking CL to preschool. I think I mentioned this before but it’s a co-op, meaning parents participate in the classroom. It’s quite neat. But let me vent..

wuw_octnov2018_CL-posing

Lately CL has been giving me a very hard time at school. He’s been yelling to other kids in the classroom. Therefore causing some parents to react negatively towards him. I cannot tell you guys how hard it has been for me this last month. Ever since we found out he has sensory issues in September, I feel like I’ve had to change my parenting style COMPLETELY, and learning how to better help him. Not everything works.

Anyway, even though at first I was relieved to know HOW we can help him, I quickly became very hesitant and anxious. For months I cared about how other people viewed him compared to their own kids, and also towards me as a mother. It’s so mentally draining when your kid acts up in school or lashes out, and you can see the parents’ reaction.

wuw_octonov2018_CL

There was an incident that happened last Monday, he was doing so well until right before snack time. They do circle time where they read and sing songs together. CL had decided not to participate and instead was being silly. However, the kids encouraged him by laughing so that was a cue to him to keep going. I tried to get him to sit down so he wouldn’t be disruptive, but he quickly lashed out at me for telling him what to do.  He started yelling at me saying “NO!” and then he tried to be defiant, tried to grab a book, which I took away. And since he was so focused on fighting me, he knocked a book over that hit a girl in the head. Then another girl tried to tell him “Don’t do that” and he lashed out at her too and yelled “don’t’ say that” and was pointing furiously at her.

dahlias_CL2

I know my child very well, he does this all the time when he’s upset. At that point I know not to press him because if I get near him and try to tell him to sit down, he will throw a fit or a tantrum and with so many kids around, I didn’t want to risk him hitting or kicking someone by accident. So I kept my distance. I knew he wasn’t going to act violently, but another mom, not the girl’s mom mind you, came from across the room and sat behind the girl and put her hand on her shoulder as if to show my son that she was protecting the little girl. From what? What was my son going to do? Nothing. I know that for a fact. But she felt that was her job to do so. Not only did that make me feel incredibly bad about myself, like I wasn’t a good enough mother for stepping in, I felt like my son’s actions didn’t warrant that kind of reaction to begin with. I did have a talk with CL when we got home that it was okay to be angry but not okay to yell at other people, that the girl was just trying to help him.. Of course, he lashed out at me saying he didn’t need help.. Ok..

I’m sure the mom meant well, but usually people don’t think about how their actions will hurt others. So yeah that hurt me deeply. The entire day I kept thinking “I’m not a good mother, I didn’t step in like I should have”. It didn’t help that the girl’s mom and that mom that stepped in were talking to each other away from everyone else so that made me feel even worse. And to top it off, the girl’s mom was trying to avoid looking at me for the rest of the day. Of course I apologized to the girls mom but I still didn’t feel any better.

seattle_waterfront_CL

When the next school day came around, CL got angry once more because a girl came by trying to take away the toys he was playing with. The girl was actually being aggressive like pulling things away from him and CL reacted the same way and backed into a shelf and the frame fell on top of a girl’s head. Who’s girl was this? The mom who stepped in for the other girl he yelled at.. To add insult to injury, the mom welcomed the little girl to play with her and her daughter. Again, I’m sure she meant well by that, maybe she was trying to help, but I felt as though she acted like it was my son’s fault. At least my son said he was sorry for the frame falling on the girls head.

15 minutes later after CL had already moved on to play in another area, the mom’s daughter tried to come tell my son that he needed to make his snack. He didn’t have to, but that set him off and once again, he yelled “NO!” at her. Her mom just took her daughter away… That day during the parents group she avoided looking my way just like the other mom.

may2018_wuw_Ciel

Since then I’ve had time to think about both of those incidents and the reactions from that particular mom. What hurts me more I think, is that I actually like her as a person and her philosophies and parenting style resonate with me on another level. But because of how she reacted towards my son, I must say I kind of lost some respect for her.

To that mom’s defense, she doesn’t know that CL has sensory issues. In fact, nobody knows. I haven’t told anyone in there, only his teachers and the specialists know, but other than that, it doesn’t seem like anyone is interested in getting to know us. Could also be an age difference, I think I’m one of the youngest moms and there’s not many of us in there to begin with.

wuwjan2018_Ciel_mommy

When I got home I talked to Alex about it and my feelings towards the mom’s reaction and how I felt like CL gets treated differently by other parents, practically on the brink of tears. He told me to not worry about what people think. It’s none of their business. I had also vent to my best friend and he told me the same thing. I even told my brother briefly what a crappy week it was at school and he said the exact same thing. “Who cares what people think? They don’t know you guys”.

That same day his teacher called me to reiterate that despite the little meltdowns, he had a great day. And even though she didn’t repeat the same words, she said something along the lines of “The other parents don’t know the long story” and I cannot tell you guys how deeply the message sunk. Hearing it from four different people confirmed that one thought in my head that wasn’t loud enough because I was too busy with my thoughts of “what do they think of us?”

motd_mar_ciel

That really put everything in perspective. That’s right. Who gives a shit what other people think of us? They don’t know my son like I do. They don’t even know half of the hardship that comes with sensory issues. It’s so insanely complicated and incredibly frustrating. I bet no one in that classroom would understand how difficult it is. And I’m not trying to make myself a victim, I make it a thing to not judge anyone no matter what because I know everyone is going through their own struggles.

For me my biggest struggle is my son. It brings me a great deal of stress not knowing how to help him. Especially when he refuses my help. I think his sensory needs make it that much more difficult as well. Lately he has been picking fights with me too which is the weirdest thing ever but to him, it’s a very serious thing. I do the best I can to not get frustrated at that, he doesn’t know.

ootd_blackleafprint_summerdress_ciel2

I’ll have to write a post about sensory issues because it is pretty complicated and I want to talk about it because it doesn’t seem like it’s something that is widespread.

Anyway, what I learned from those two incidents, was that I shouldn’t give two fucks about what people think of me as a mother or my son. They don’t know us. They don’t know him like I know him, nor do they know what we are dealing with. So while raising my son is going to be 100 times harder, he is my son and I love him and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure he succeeds and excels in school and in his life. I will not allow other people’s opinions to slow us down because he has made a tremendous improvement in the last year. I’m nothing but proud of him.

portlandnightmarket_CielMommy

Thanks for letting me vent. I will be sure to write up a post about sensory issues for those of you might be interested in getting to know my family better. Also, sorry if there are spelling errors or whatever.. I just needed to get this off my chest..

I’ll be back with a life update tomorrow if I can edit photos and get my draft done.

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37 thoughts on “I need to vent..

  1. 50shad3s0fjay says:

    Rossy, you are the most fantastic mother and your partner / best friend / teacher is correct, who cares what others think? Heck, nobody is perfect but seriously beautiful, I’m proud of you! CL is so blessed to have you as a mother! ❤️ And you’re totally right, we should all be far less judgemental. Those parents don’t know your situation and they shouldn’t even have to, they should just not judge in the first place! If they knew, sure they might be a little less judgemental but that’s the point, they shouldn’t have to know because they should just be kind in the first place! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Thanks so much Jennie! 💜 you always know the right thing to say! 😭😭 but yeah, people like to judge based on a 3 minute incident. I still dont think I’ll tell anyone about it unless of course they seem interested in our family. Because I realized that however they react has nothing to do with us, it says more about them than it does about me. 🙂

      Like

  2. Mackenzie says:

    Rossy, your strength, wisdom, and depth of love never ceases to amaze me. It hurts my heart that you and CL are dealing with this….and you are sooo right about how even if that lady didn’t realize how her actions came off they were so hurtful. It’s often those little actions that speak the loudest, most painful, volumes. This is such a powerful post and reminder to never ever judge or react without the full story. I have never been in your shoes, but am always just in awe of how good of a mother and wife you are. The diagnosis of CL having a sensory disorder is still fairly new too- I’m sure that doesn’t help in navigating these situations especially as you encounter them for the first time. But just as you have a tremendous perspective here, I’m sure those situations will become easier to navigate. I just wish people were more self-aware, because the last thing you need is to worry what anyone else thinks! Thank you for being so real, Rossy. I’m glad you know this is a safe place to vent, and honestly it didn’t even sound like venting, but more just dealing with real life. Sending you & CL the BIGGEST hugs. xox

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Thanks so much for your kind words Mackenzie! 💜 even though you have never been in my shoes you’re so understanding of other people, your empathy is so remarkable. Thank you! 😭💜
      I’ve had time to process all of my thoughts and feelings since I wrote the post and I feel so much better about all of this now than I did like 3 days ago lol. All the comments I’ve been getting have shown me such incredible kindness it amazes me how much more understanding people are over the internet than in person lol.
      Anyway, yeah you’re right. Up until they told us CL had sensory processing disorder, I had never ever heard of it. It’s definitely a new-ish kind of diagnosis and it doesnt seem like many parents even know what it is or perhaps it gets misdiagnosed. I guess I was lucky to have a great team working with us because whenever I voiced my concern of his behavior, the behavioral specialist brought in an occupational therapist to our meeting. We were able to get it all figured out fairly quickly and start intervention practically right away so I’m nothing but grateful to all of the team because they have been extremely helpful. And his teacher has been amazing as well, being accommodating not just for CL but for other kiddos who have their own little struggles. It’s the perfect environment for him right now, I’m glad I didn’t put him in daycare because this would have gone unnoticed or he would have gotten kicked out or something lol.
      But thanks so much Mackenzie, really. You have been one of the most important people in my life despite the distance. 😭💜

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mackenzie says:

        ❤ AW! Oh my gosh Rossy– I am soo so glad this brought you some comfort. Your comment back just brought me to tears!!! I can totalllly say the same to you, girl. I feel like I can be 100% with you about anything and don’t feel judged or like I’m a bother—it really means soo much to me too ❤

        I’m so glad you are feeling better about it all. Time really does heal (sometimes even just a couple days!). But it’s great that you were able to articulate your thoughts in that moment because I bet it brought you to the peace you have about it all right now!

        Also I’m really happy to hear what an amazing, holistic team you have on board!! You are so strong- and so is CL ❤

        Sending you HUGE hugs. I really do wish we could just chat in coffee over person. Thanks for your friendship. XO

        Liked by 1 person

  3. alwayscleia says:

    I can’t imagine how hard it must be trying to parent in a group setting, especially when none of them know about CL’s sensory issues. I would be interested to read a post on what that means, because honestly I don’t know myself.

    I know It’s not the same thing at all but my little brother is 9 years younger than me and he has Spina Bifida. Nobody in his schools understood what that means, or why he acts the way he does. Even his aids didn’t completely get it and essentially bullied him instead of helping him. My Dad was a very aggressive person but he had to be to fight for him to be treated properly and to make sure that the school system didn’t just let him fall through the cracks.

    What I’ve learned from this is that you can’t care what other people think when it comes to your child. Other people will judge and try to decide what’s best but You know your son the best and will have to be his number one advocate. Even if other people judge you for the way you parent they can’t possibly know everything, and it’s none of their business if he has sensory issues. You don’t owe them an explanation! You’re doing your best and even if you didn’t intervene when CL was getting agitated and yelling it doesn’t make you a bad parent. As you said, you know him and it would have led to more yelling and screaming. Sometimes kids just need to calm down on their own before you can reason with them.

    Anyways, I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time. CL is lucky to have a Mom like you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      It is pretty hard. But it’s also the best environment for him right now. The behavioral specialist even told me how glad she was that I decided to stay in that program because she didn’t believe he would have done as well in a regular preschool or headstart setting.
      I am gonna work on that post. It’s too much information and a million examples I can give so I have to condense all of that before I can post something about that lol.
      Im so sorry that your little brother was bullied. That’s never an easy thing to deal with. But your dad did right by him and I plan to do the same for my little one. I’ll be sure to have meetings with teachers from his future school to make sure they understand. While I know they cant show preferential treatment, I do feel like since our kids are under the supervision of other adults, they need* to be able to do whatever it takes to accommodate different kids. I know my son wont be the only one but I have seen first hand how some teachers prefer some kids over others because they’re “troublemakers” but ill be dammed if my son gets treated unfairly.
      If you only knew how many people have come to me telling me what I need or what my son needs. And not just friends or family, strangers too. They think my son needs another sibling like that’s gonna solve all of our problems lol. Of course they don’t know the real reason, but they think the reason he is acting up is because hes an only child..
      But yes you’re right, I dont own anyone an explanation. They just shouldn’t judge period. Everyone has their own struggles but I’ve also learned that whatever comes my way isnt about my son or me, it’s just them projecting their own insecurities into me.
      Hopefully this next month goes well, his last class is at the end of may so I’ll try my hardest to keep going since it’s only two days a week that hes there. I have a new and fresh perspective and all of your kind comments have helped me immensely.
      Thanks Cleia! 💜

      Like

      • alwayscleia says:

        You guys will be alright, I know it’s hard but CL is lucky to have a Mom like you! I hope his next school will be a little smoother for you guys without all those other parents there all the time.
        Omg that is so awful that people are telling you he needs a sibling! Where do people get off thinking it’s ok to judge or assume that they can tell you that? Especially strangers, that is so not ok.
        I hope the next month goes smoothly, you’re almost there!

        Liked by 1 person

        • ayrgalaxy says:

          Oh gosh yeah. One more year of this program and he will hopefully be ready for kindergarten.
          Yeah I roll my eyes all the time like I haven’t heard it before. Lol. I dont even let it bother me now I have my own reasons to not want another child. I dont think I could give CL the attention he needs with another child in the picture.
          Thank you Cleia! Have a great weekend!

          Like

  4. Courtney says:

    You are SUCH a good mother. That much is obvious just from how you worded this post. You try so hard to really understand your son and give him what he NEEDS, not just make him always 100% “well-behaved” by others’ standards. And that’s so important because he’s learning that his feelings are valid. He’s struggling to learn how to express those feelings, but I love that you don’t just make him feel like he can’t express them, like a lot of parents do. A lot of kids ONLY behave well out of fear of strict punishment and that’s never good, despite how well-behaved those kids may appear on the surface to other parents.

    It totally sucks about the other moms. Mom shaming is such a real thing and it’s honestly ridiculous. You’re right, they don’t know you and they don’t know the whole story, so who are they to judge & condemn? I’m so glad that your husband, brother, and the teacher all said similar things. It’s really easy to get caught up in what people think. You know your life and they don’t. Hang in there! ❤ Also, all of those photos of you two are just so, so precious!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Thank you so much Courtney! ❤ ❤ ❤ I really do even when I don't understand him at all lol. I try to put myself in his shoes, how he must be feeling, and though I can't be 100% accurate, I can come close and offer what I think is the best help at that moment. It's interesting that you mention that, because I realized that a lot of Hispanics just want their kids to be well-behaved regardless of how they're feeling, like they can't throw tantrums, they can't cry or yell or get mad and frustrated, because that reflects back onto the parents. And even today, parents still believe that, which is probably one of the reasons I felt so defeated and humiliated. But my child's actions and behaviors don't reflect back on to me, what does, is his progress. He has come a long way from last year, and at times I do feel like he's regressing, but overall, I can't believe it's the same little boy who had trouble with EVERYTHING. Now he knows how to communicate a little better. Anyway, as a Latina mother, I don't want previous generations' teachings to be passed down to my child and I get a lot of crap for that too because I'm trying to parent my kid differently. Because to them, my way of parenting is out of the "their norm".
      But yeah exactly. My mindset has changed so much since I wrote this post. Yes, there are still so many frustrating moments where I yell, and get mad and frustrated, but I care WAY less of what people think. Like Ciel was being a brat and wouldn't listen when I told him "it's time to go" when we were at the playground, and there was a dad with his two young kids and their grandma, and I don't remember getting in my head wondering what they might think. I was just focusing on being a good mother and trying to come up with a way or method to get Ciel to leave LOL. I'm honestly super proud of myself too haha. Granted the walk to the car ride SUCKED majorly, but we always have a talk with CL afterward.. It's always the same "you need to listen to what we say or no more park" lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Courtney says:

        Aww good, I’m SO glad that what people think isn’t weighing as much on your mind anymore!! Exactly, you have too much to focus on with just figuring out what will work with Ciel rather than what others think, lol!

        I love love love your mindset of letting him be an individual and letting him know his feelings are valid! Anyone who parents like that is going to get comments and backlash about it, but in the end, he’s your kid and you know him best. And just the fact that you’re trying to understand him rather than just control his behavior shows so much about your love for him. (Not saying that parents who just want their kids to behave don’t love them obviously. I just think they see what’s been done and they think that’s the way to do it without considering something different, you know?) You are doing awesome and he will come around!! I love that you can see so much progress from last year! That’s so great. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • ayrgalaxy says:

          Girl I cannot tell you how much better I feel like words are not enough to Express it lol.
          I think another reason as to why people are like that in general is because of how they were brought up themselves you know? Everyone’s parents are different and they each had a different parenting style that they learned from their parents, etc. I just want to break that pattern. I dont mean to say that the way I was raised wasnt good, I guess I’d say it was great and not so great but its definitely NOT how I want to parent. I think that we, as parents, have to break out of that pattern that gets passed down from previous generations because its 2019. Traditional methods no longer work on kids now a days and most of it is kind of cruel, corporal punishment and all. And besides, those methods wouldn’t work on CL anyway so to be a good parent I have to work FOR him. Otherwise, he won’t have a chance of being successful on his own when he gets older. I dont know if this makes any sense I feel like I’m ranting again lol

          Liked by 1 person

  5. IngridMadisonAve says:

    I am sorry this is happening. However, your awareness is one step closer to managing all to a more positive place. By the way, it’s good that you don’t care what those parents think because your son will move on in life, and you will never see them again. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Thank you Ingrid! My mindset has changed drastically since writing this post, I couldn’t be more grateful for those two incidents because I never would have realized this 🙂 but you make a great point, I will never see them again 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. indianeskitchen says:

    You are a good mom. Sensory issues are a subject people just don’t understand unless they deal with it directly! I work with an autistic woman and the reactions people have when I take her into the community is unforgiving. Don’t let them get to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Thanks so much Diane! You’re the first person who is able to relate fairly close. I’m in a better state of mind and giving zero F’s and I feel SOO much better like a weight was lifted off my shoulders! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Amy says:

    My son has trouble with proprioception, he is a little clumsy and slightly awkward but I see how hard he tries! We took him to occupational and physical therapy at Kindergarten and that has helped him a lot. I think the best we can do as parents is to limit our kid’s stress where possible. I am so sorry to hear that the other school mums upset you, sometimes people just don’t understand that their actions can be hurtful. I think that you are an amazing mother btw!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Yeah that’s very true. However I cant really control other peoples kids but at the same time I think it’s good that hes being exposed to different situations because he’ll learn to navigate his own emotions and learn the social connections with other kids. I am thinking about therapy if I see it get worse but I want to do whatever possible to see if we can at least control his meltdowns a bit.
      And thank you! Means a lot! 💜

      Like

  8. motherhoodnmedia says:

    You’re 100% right! You shouldn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s opinion! Fuck those other moms and their judgements! NO ONE is a perfect parent and no matter how good of a parent you are, you can never fully control your child’s actions/behavior. They’re their own person! The only thing you can do, is exactly what you’re doing, continue to parent the best way you can. You’re doing an amazing job, mama! It sounds like your son’s teachers agree. Don’t let people who don’t matter get you down. Keep doing what is best for you and your son ❤
    BTW, this is Morgan from Her vs. World. This is my new blog/account 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      Exactly. I dont want to control my childs personality. He can be his own person, he just needs help navigating certain situations and learn how to manage his emotions.
      But thank you! I do the best I can and have been trying to be more and more understanding when he tries to throw a fit. Its not easy but I have definitely noticed a difference in him lately as opposed to like two weeks ago lol.
      I’ll be sure to follow this new blog. Thanks for stopping by love!

      Like

  9. Hunida says:

    Hi Rossy, I’m sorry I am so far behind on your blog & am just reading this now.

    I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better. All I can think is “F that mom.” I’m with your husband, bestie, & the teacher. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Especially since they don’t even know the full story & obviously don’t even want to… You are seriously the best mom, ever. Ciel will grow up and remember how you were there for him and how you validated his feelings when he needed it the most. Maybe the other kids should stop trying to tell him what to do. Maybe the other mom’s daughter is too aggressive & bossy. Why are they acting like your child is the only one who is in the wrong when he’s definitely not?

    I just did a little research on the sensory issues and actually came across an Adult test where I scored 60%. I’m looking forward to reading your post on explaining more about it.

    Stay strong, super mommy. ♡ You’re doing great!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ayrgalaxy says:

      No worries girl! I know it’s a lot to keep up with a ton of blogs. I understand 🤗
      Awh your kind words are more than enough for me right now!! Thanks for taking the time to read my little rant lol. I do feel much better of course after having posted this. I think writing out my feelings took a huge weight off my shoulders. I reflected back on it several days after and I’m proud to say I am more happy now than I was when those incidents happened.
      I am trying my best, I’m no perfect parent, dont think anyone is, I do yell and get frustrated when he wont listen or is trying to hit me (true story, just happened on Wednesday too, lol) but I try so hard to remember to be more caring and mindful that he needs that validation and even when I’m angry and frustrated I remind him that he is loved. Hes my child, my only one, and I cant allow other peoples opinions to dictate how I am going to parent my little one. Lots of people have tried and if I let a stranger have that power over me, I dont think I’d be doing my job as a mom AND i wouldn’t be allowing my son to be himself. That might sound strange lol. I really have thought a lot about this lol.
      I gotta put that post together still, I gotta start writing it out but I dont want it to be information overload either because it’s seriously so so so much lol. When CL was evaluated, the OT was explaining it all to me and I was unable to retain all of that information lol. It was SO much but I do remember going like “oh my gosh, that makes so much sense now!”

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hunida says:

        AW yeah, I totally agree that writing your worries out can take a huge weight off your shoulders. I’m so glad you have this safe space & that my words could help, even if only a little. ❤ Also, so happy to hear you're feeling much better about everything now!!

        You're right– no one is a perfect parent & it's okay to yell & get frustrated sometimes. Kids need to know when they're wrong, too! Especially if he was trying to hit you, y'know? Other people's opinions don't matter & never let them dictate how you parent!! ❤ He's your baby & you can raise him YOUR way. ❤ Keep doing you, babe. You're more than amazing!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • ayrgalaxy says:

          Dont kid yourself, you’ve helped a ton more than you realize. Honestly, just having people understand my struggles and everyone telling me how great of a mom I am to CL has booster my self esteem because I ALWAYS talk myself down. The negative self talk had been getting bad over the years and I think what happened at school almost two weeks ago was exactly what needed to happen in order for me to realize my own potential and worth. 💜 seriously, thank you and everyone else as well. All of these lovely comments have brought literal tears to my eyes. 😭
          Yeah lately the physical violence is getting bad and this time he got triggered because i showed him two visuals he could choose from to help him with “bite size” one was circles and the other was trains. He wanted his food to be bite size trains but that’s impossible lol. Maybe he just didn’t understand what I was trying to show him which is understandable. He also has a speech delay.
          Thanks love!! You’re the best! 💜

          Liked by 1 person

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